This is essentially just one long ass AIM status message from a 90’s emo kid
Been almost a year since I really published anything - that’s not great. A lot’s happened in that year - I’ve written a lot, just again, not published it.
I most recently wrote over 100 cathartic pages on the craziest experience I’ve ever had - which is saying a lot. The header image is actually from that…escapade.
What incredible sorrow to hold. What terrible truth to know.
I was genuinely excited to get back home and to work - those challenges and issues seemed insignificant compared to what I just went through.
And I’ve learned to live beside it. And even though it’s over now, I will always be reminded.
I have a magnificent daughter - she just turned 2 years old. Ethereally empathetic, she’d stop in the middle of playing, sensing my state, and would come over and give me a hug - which made me cry for an entirely different reason than the original reason.
She’s been a life saving rock - and lighthouse. Certainly has helped me focus a bit - on what’s important, on the now, on the future. I may not be able to give her the life I’d have hoped for, but I’ll be damned if she doesn’t get the best life I can provide.
So to service that goal, I’ve got a few irons in the fire - more on some of those things here soon.
Hit a major milestone - bought a house! Well, a townhome really - but as a Millennial who figured he’d rent forever, it’s kind of a big deal. Not the most ideal purchase cycle, was kind of forced to buy a place in a month in order to…remediate another issue. I do typically throw money at my problems, but this was…a lot of money.
And now I have an entirely new set of problems! Leaking showers! Flippy flappy sub-panels! A garage that needs an air conditioner! More fun things that need more money! I love home ownership. It’s the best.
Ain’t it fun? Living in the real world.
I did kinda strike gold though - new HVAC, new appliances, floors, etc. Had to swap out my acoustic drums for an electric Roland kit to keep the neighbors happy, but hopefully I won’t have to do anything crucial for a while - outside of ripping up all the walls and ceilings to run cables everywhere.
Was hoping to kick the “wire the house up” can till next year, but it seems some of the 20 year old wiring and a few things I need to do are calling for me to prioritize it higher. I’ll share an article on wiring up things in a 20 year old townhome for a modern 10G network, distributed HDMI, and more.
Oh yeah - new home means new homelab. And all those cables are going into a currently over-filled garage, where I’ll terminate them into patch panels on a wall-mounted rack for the core house network. Gonna be really fun bringing the WAN fiber from the very back of the house to the front where the garage is.
This is going to let me roll my new-ish 42U rack around the garage, and even completely disconnect it without having Plex go down. Hoping I can also park the car in there…
Almost done unpacking - and by the time the new POE switch and other gear gets here I’ll be ready to rack and stack things, and taking my omni-saw to a lot of drywall.
The homelab didn’t fully survive the move…my K8s cluster ended up being offline for too long and it was a few terrible days of trying to fix things until I decided to just roll everything on a single MS-01 with Podman - works great really, way better idea than managing a cluster.
I can drive you crazy, yes, I am.
Will need to install an air conditioner in the garage though…I spun up a few other servers for a larger ensemble demo and the garage was wayyyy too hot. That’s the main reason why I’ll be ripping up a bunch of drywall really - and figured while I’m making a mess, might as well make all the mess at once…
Once all the cables are run though I’ll be able to get to painting and wiring up all the smart home things - pretty excited about that.
Looking back at the last year, I’ve got a lot to be proud of and thankful for - a lot to mourn as well. Been able to make it to the other side of a certain - situation - thankfully ended up getting the key allotments I needed, and finding an ally for the future.
Had to be the catalyst for someone’s transition from this world - that was crucial. Seeing someone’s soul vacate with their last breath is something I think every one and no one should have to experience.
Head full of ghosts tonight. Have I gone insane?
Progressed personally and professionally - I think so anyways. Got through a leadership program that I think was pretty great. Been working on music more and more, have a concept of an EP that I’ve drafted mostly with recorded video clips on my phone and some projects in Logic.
I’ve fucked up drastically too - in my growing age, I’ve seen them as sobering moments instead of arousing near escapes. There’s too much to lose now, I don’t need many more crazy stories to tell. My memoirs are gonna slap though.
I’m very lucky to have some great friends at my back as well - they’ve been pals at the drop of a hat. I don’t have many friends - I just know a lot of people. The friends I have though, are golden and have kept me right side up when I get upside down.
Looking to the future, I have a lot to be excited for - and a lot to do. With just as much to stop. I’m self-aware enough to know that I could get farther in life if I curtailed a few bits about how I operate in this world. Again, I’m not a young whipper snapper any more.
Thankfully as I enter into my prime years, I have the resources and ability to do some pretty cool things - some things I’ll be sharing here soon. Some things which may not be homelab-y, or OpenShift-y, or weird-x509-stuff-y - you can count on the weird sticking around though.
Got all my games uninstalled, social media apps off the phone, things planned just well enough to not be over-planned and getting in the way of execution.
In this last trip to town where I endured a walking nightmare - literally without sleep for days - there was a point, a sort of calm before the storm. The day before…things went to shit…I kind of knew that it was coming to an inevitable conclusion. Didn’t think it’d end up the way it did, but anyway, the day before - I had looked back at the 40-odd pages I had already written in the week leading to this trip, taken in the experience of the few days prior, and found solace in the sadness of our truth.
A sort of peace that felt forgiving. An inflection point where I came to terms with the tragedy, and a wave of renaissance or rebirth rushed over me.
So I did what felt natural - went to my favorite hippy dippy store and found a lit glass encased lotus flower that spoke to me. In it I found a symbol that was grounding and uplifting - I felt actually “fine.”
Not happy - not mad - not sad - just actually “fine”.
At that point I thought that emotional rollercoaster was nearing the junction, but it was just getting ready to exert some real G-forces. Maybe one day I can share that story - can probably sell it to Netflix, it’s pretty nuts.
That’s one day though - some day though. Another time maybe, in a different life perhaps - where it’d be a different story, one I’d tell everyone joyously. One that’d be a Netflix movie for a different reason.
Today though - right now though - is all I’ve got. So it’s time to focus ‘cause I got shit to get done.
